“Authorities say fortnightly rubbish collections encourage bad smells and vermin.”

I love BBC news.

Hello again, all.

So right now, this afternoon, sitting in the computer lab at Denver Seminary having just heard a lecture on what it means to be a "disciple," and having spent much of my day studying the book of Isaiah, I am at a loss to know whether I am truly serving God with my life. I have internalized a lot of ideas about discipleship, and a lot of those have been torn apart in recent months. Most of what I've spent the last three or four years pursuing has been revealed to me as little more than personal growth, self-actualization, emotional health - none of which equate with Holiness. I've sought maturity rather than humility and self-awareness rather than service, and now I am at a loss to know whether I should even expect God to do absolutely anything in my life. I read the prophets of the Old Testament, and over and over again I hear this:

"You need to abandon your idols and your gluttony and your wealth, and worship ONLY me. And all of your religious activity that you love so much and are so proud of is worthless to me, because you ignore those who cannot fend for themselves, instead keeping all of your resources for yourself and your family."

God is telling his people - His chosen people, who have seen miracle after miracle and been constantly taken care of by Him - that He hates it when they sing, when they fast, when they bow down to Him. It all smells like a dung-scented drive through Iowa to Him because  they are ignoring and taking advantage of the poor.

This is destroying me because I am at a place where I have to wonder, how am I to know whether my own worship and the worship of my friends is exactly the same to God as the worship of these Israelites? Where do I get off worshipping God with joy and expectation, when I am not doing a thing to help the poor? Why should I assume that God hears and is pleased by my singing and praying and fasting every week? Why should I expect anything different than the scathing words that He gives to Israel? I would be willing to bet that a lot of the Israelites He's talking to were genuinely well-intentioned; a lot of them probably thought that when they burned their sacrifices on the altar, that God was pleased and their bases were covered. I have a feeling that a lot of their consciences weren't burning. I especially get that intuition when I see how the Lord is especially harsh on the nation's leaders; they are the ones who led their people into this position.

So...most of the time, my conscience isn't burning. Most of the time, I assume I'm doing a good thing when I go to church and when I pray and when I sing and when I fast, and most of the time I assume that God has nothing particularly harsh to say to me, and when I start doubting this, I tell myself that I just need to muster up more faith and truly believe the "promises" that I say are true - promises like God's provision and His presence with us.

But these days, I'm doubting, and my conscience is somewhere inbetween numb and burning, and I don't know what I should expect from God, because for all I know, I'm subject to His judgment for how I've used my life and my resources so far, because by my estimation, I have pretty much lived for myself. For all I know, destruction is right around the corner for me, and what makes me even more terrified is that I feel like I have no way of knowing whether that's the case. I certainly know that that's what I deserve, but I don't understand the extent of God's mercy, and I don't know whether my repentance is genuine enough when nothing particularly obvious is changing in my life. There are still things I think that I probably should do that I simply haven't done, and I don't know how to expect God's mercy in a position like that. I really don't know if I'm willing to do what He demands that the Israelites must do...they didn't do it, and they were destroyed, all except a faithful few. And I'm no longer very sure that I'm a part of that few.

Where do I go from here?

This has easily been the craziest summer of my life. The craziest life-season, really. And I've had some pretty crazy seasons, but none compare to this one. Not even close. And as a wonderful friend recently told me, it's probably good that this particular season is so [relatively] short, because if it was any longer, I'd probably drive myself insane analyzing and processing and drowning in self-reflection, trying to soak it all in. It's been that crazy. Crazy Good.

Hey, I'm getting married on September 23rd, and if you want to be there, I want you there too, so consider yourself invited. Here's some details, and the place to RSVP. 

Until this summer, I think I've wildly underestimated God's ability to surprise His kids. After this summer, I don't think I'll make that mistake again. Life is beautiful in His designs.